"I was much further out than you thought and not waving but drowning.”

Todays title is from a quote from Stevie Smith

Its been a while since I have been able to create a post to write for the blog. I guess its because I have been yet once again smacked again in the face and butt with depression. Depression has been a companion at different lengths away from my late childhood. I got the help I deserved in seminary and have been facing the challenge of acceptance a mental illness for two years. It has not been an easy walk, often with God being in silence. Radio silence. But i’ve stuck with the work of treatment and ‘staying in love with God’ and trying to hide my un-welness. I was good very good, I am still very Good. 

http://www.sevencounties.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8106

But yet I hurt and it breaks through to those who can see beyond the mask. I am afraid of a pattern developing that I will be ‘well’ for 6-8 months and then spiral back into dark deep depression. I remain fearful of what this means for me in terms of ordination. I know my call is firm and that as I have stated in my papers for UMC ordination who is the Shepard to those who are so afraid of the shepherds? Who goes out into the wilderness? 

As of the last three weeks I’ve been on a leave from my job and in an intense outpatient treatment program that teaches DBT.  Dialectical behavioral therapy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavioral_therapy) focuses on mindfulness, loving yourself and just getting along better in the world. No small task for anyone let alone those of us who are in pits of all sorts. It’s a little more complicated then that but a lot of the coping mechanisms I see have parallels to Christianity and to Wesley spirituality. DBT for me is about allowing the Grace we already have into our lives and using it to expand our self’s on a path to wellness. One of the big coping skills is observing your breath. 

I have read in several places (all that escape me right now) that the sound of our breath is pronouncing one of the names of God, YHWH. We are born with breath and the name of our creator on our lips. So for me my interpretation of observe the breath is a way to also know that we are beloved and an integral part of something big, very big. Depression is isolating the chemicals your body produces or does not produce betray you, and it lies to you. Telling you of your non-belovedness. And worst of all you believe it. 

I have often been one who sees my ministry as in the mud. But what about in the muck that sucks you down so you cant move your feet? How do you act then, how do you minister and let go to allow yourself to be ministered to? (I’m still working on this one folks)

This round I have been blessed to not be so devoid of God where I have cried out for her to just come and dwell with me. I am guilty of demanding to know why if created in the image of God, why God would allow for chemicals to get messed up. I have yet to get an answer, but regardless God always remains. 

Moving from one stage of life to the next and so on, and for me from un-welness to wellness. I hope to write some more blogs about the experiences of this round of depression and the role my faith and personal spirituality plays into it(for this intake of the DBT program they asked about my spirituality and its role in my life. I was very impressed)

In the snow

This past week I took a Jan Term intensive, more on that at a latter date. However our five-day class got cut short due to one of the trifecta snow storms that have hit the east coast the past few weeks. It was entertaining to me to see everyone upset about nine inches of snow. I’m not sure if its me and my potential cockiness or my New York attitude or just my years of snow related driving that made me feel like this was nothing. Regardless of this I used it as a day to camp out and then to help someone move. Yes move across campus in the snow.

            Now this person had a lot of stuff and was not well packed for a move in any kind of weather, let alone snow and poorly managed snow as well. I digress, so I start gathering possessions that I do not know the value of and placing them into vessels prepared for transport.  Soon we start trudging it the 900 feet from building T to building W where the new residence was. 900 feet really is not that far but in the snow everything is more, longer, colder. Thankfully we found people on campus who we begged into helping and only one slight fall, and minor twist of the ankle by yours truly, we moved a futon a kitchen, clothing from two closets and a dresser and books(not a lot thankfully, seminary students do tend to have  lot of these…).

            It seems funny to me that we did something that we all do rather frequently, and that is move in a time when it seems that you should be sitting still. Creation sits still in the snow, as evidenced by the birds that flock to my front yard at home in NY but stay nested in the height of the storm. But yet once again I was going against the current and well not frocking in the snow doing something somewhat absurd.

            As of late I have come to realize that my life is somewhat absurd, and does not always make sense to me all the time. But I had the unique opportunity to see that we are never quite prepared all the time for what will be asked of us.  I could have said ‘nope its cold and I’m not going to go trudging through the snow’ to the person in need of moving. But what would I be doing if I did that? I would be sitting and taking a passive role, in what turned out to be an entertaining afternoon with good conversation and only a few aspirin latter it was done.

            So often we are caught unprepared, doing activities in quite the wrong season.  But we must stand and deliver with the best that we know we can do. Even if we are quite confidant that we have no clue what it will be. In this case my hands and virgo need to organize where the best gifts that I could offer. Maybe next time it will be my mean crockpot skills, or my box of tissues, or something more.