Todays title is from a quote from Stevie Smith
Its been a while since I have been
able to create a post to write for the blog. I guess its because I have been
yet once again smacked again in the face and butt with depression. Depression
has been a companion at different lengths away from my late childhood. I got
the help I deserved in seminary and have been facing the challenge of acceptance
a mental illness for two years. It has not been an easy walk, often with God
being in silence. Radio silence. But i’ve stuck with the work of treatment and
‘staying in love with God’ and trying to hide my un-welness. I was good very
good, I am still very Good.
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| http://www.sevencounties.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8106 |
But yet I hurt and it breaks through to those who can see beyond the mask. I am afraid of a pattern developing
that I will be ‘well’ for 6-8 months and then spiral back into dark deep
depression. I remain fearful of what this means for me in terms of ordination.
I know my call is firm and that as I have stated in my papers for UMC
ordination who is the Shepard to those who are so afraid of the shepherds? Who
goes out into the wilderness?
As of the last three weeks I’ve
been on a leave from my job and in an intense outpatient treatment program that
teaches DBT. Dialectical behavioral therapy
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavioral_therapy)
focuses on mindfulness, loving yourself and just getting along better in the
world. No small task for anyone let alone those of us who are in pits of all
sorts. It’s a little more complicated then that but a lot of the coping mechanisms
I see have parallels to Christianity and to Wesley spirituality. DBT for me is
about allowing the Grace we already have into our lives and using it to expand
our self’s on a path to wellness. One of the big coping skills is observing
your breath.
I have read in several places (all
that escape me right now) that the sound of our breath is pronouncing one of
the names of God, YHWH.
We are born with breath and the name of our creator on our lips. So for me my
interpretation of observe the breath is a way to also know that we are beloved
and an integral part of something big, very big. Depression is isolating the
chemicals your body produces or does not produce betray you, and it lies to
you. Telling you of your non-belovedness. And worst of all you believe it.
I have often been one who sees my ministry as in the mud.
But what about in the muck that sucks you down so you cant move your feet? How
do you act then, how do you minister and let go to allow yourself to be
ministered to? (I’m still working on this one folks)
This round I have been blessed to not be so devoid of God
where I have cried out for her to just come and dwell with me. I am guilty of
demanding to know why if created in the image of God, why God would allow for chemicals
to get messed up. I have yet to get an answer, but regardless God always
remains.
Moving from one stage of life to the next and so on, and for
me from un-welness to wellness. I hope to write some more blogs about the experiences
of this round of depression and the role my faith and personal spirituality
plays into it(for this intake of the DBT program they asked about my
spirituality and its role in my life. I was very impressed)
