One of the
subjects and trains of thought I have been following for a long time is that of
Anger with, and/or at God. When I first got really sick, as in I admitted it.
God had not talked with me for a long time. I even sat in more silence then
before to try and hear the voice of the creator to know that I was loved, especially
when I could not love myself. But still
the profound silence remained. And not knowing what to do with that fact I
became even more depressed crying “my God, my God why have you left me?”
Well I know
that I’m not alone in that anger and frustration with God. Heck even God in the
person of Jesus prayed for the cup to pass to someone else. The prophets crying
out with Gods displeasure often where going on gut and on strings of faith. I
‘caught’ somewhere along the line that it was not acceptable to be angry with
God, I have no clue where though. But in a bible study the pastor who was
acting as facilitator said ‘look to the psalms, lots of anger there. But likewise
lots of hope, dreaming and praying’. Or as I like to think, nothing comes out
of or exists in a vacuumed. As sweet is to sour the universe must hold a balance
with itself. So if there is love there
need to be the balance, I often wonder if God is sometimes frustrated with us
in our humanness. Likewise as I was speaking
to a colleague of mine at work today, if we are created to be in relationship
with God in the image of human relationship, anger is normal.
However I
think the anger is more often a convenient mask for disappointment and
frustration. I in my work within the community work with a young women and her
family. She finally said yes to a residential treatment, where she could get
the best help and go on trips to Dorney Park if she earned it. The facility was
clean and bright, with trees all around. More like a retreat center then a
residential program for youths with serious mental health issues. We got onto
the property and 20 feet from the door she stopped. We played this game for
three hours. Eventually I left with the mother after having the young women
signed over to the facility. As we where
leaving she still had not entered.
As I found out latter that
afternoon, as I celebrated the young women getting to the property, I found
that in her refusal the child welfare branch that was involved took her to a
shelter because they felt that residential needed to 100% voluntary. I ran through a gambit of feelings, anger,
frustration, disgust, but ultimately ended up on disappointed. I think the most
extreme type of anger. The knowledge that the services are there but can not be
accessed because of systems, money and personal choice. Freewill gives us this
last one and I think that is where God often becomes sad, that we never fully
experience all that is offered to us to succeed.
For me
disappointment and anger, also lead to distrust. But in the course of my own
recovery and Systematic Theology (yes of all places) I figured out and accepted
“our no to God, can NEVER overwhelm God’s yes to us”. So the anger and related
feelings, might just be our rebellion to the extreme emotional feelings of what
that complete yes from God is.
